A Most Unlikely Archer
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: I know what its like to lose, to feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail nonetheless. To watch loved ones turn to ash, to hear their drying gasps as they choke out their last breath in your arms. Its frightening, you know? Turns the legs to jelly. But failure teaches us you see; it forces us to adapt. Failure makes us strong. Narutoxharem? Vote via review! I own nothing!
1. A Most Unlikely Archer

**A/N: I'm afraid this story isn't going to be as popular as the rest of the "A Most Unlikely" seiries...**

**...and that makes me said.**

**Really, really sad T_T**

**But I made a promise. And I'll keep it.**

**Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!**

**LONG LIVE THE DOUBLE UPDATES, BABY!**

**Bloody people pestering me for a Fate Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya story!**

**A Most Unlikely Lancer got a lot of flack-and curses-to the point that I had to get some of them removed.**

**I suppose you could say that this, "A Most Unlikely Archer" and "A Most Unlikely Saber" are my way of answering them.**

**That's all I'm gone to say about that.**

**And someone had to point out that Naruto could take on the Shielder class as well.**

**Could somebody please just LIST all the classes I've missed yet, because I know its going to bloody well drive me up a wall~!**

**Clearly this takes places in later seasons because Kuro/Chloe's kicking around.**

**Expect quite a few changes and...well...some amusing moments from that little imp. As far as the timeline goes, this takes place before the battle with Gil in one of the later seasons. There's going to be quite the twist here. ****And before anyone asks, no, Naruto is not replacing Kid!Gilgamesh. Little bugger's just too entertaining. **

**So without further adue-and because I've gotten one hundred messages asking me for this alone-I proud present another entry in the "A Most Unlikely Series" otherwise known as...**

**...A Most Unlikely Archer!**

**This'll be far, far, FAR different from the crazy tales I usually right.**

**If you don't like it, this'll be gone in _two days _dear readers, so by all means, let me know~!**

**Not too much action in this chapter, but plenty of hilarity. References to Game of Thrones and Avengers are obvious, and I own nothing~!**

**Best brace yourself, this Naruto is the complete opposite of Shielder!Naruto, in that he spits on honor and morals. I dare say he's dangerously close to being a villain. Yet at the same time he's just a big softie when it comes to innocents; he'll fight and die to protect them.**

**The MASSIVE quote below puts paid to that, and once more, I own nothing.**

_"I have tasted failure in my lifetime. More times than you can count. I know what its like to lose, to feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail nonetheless. To watch loved ones turn to ash, to hear their drying gasps as they choke out their last breath in your arms. Its frightening, you know? Turns the legs to jelly. To fight something so powerful, so unholy, that the very world rallies against it. She called herself destiny, did you know that? "I am inevitable," or so she claimed. Well, I walked right up to "Destiny" and punched it in the mouth. I shot it full of holes. _

_I gave up EVERYTHING to destroy that destiny. My heart, my mind, my body, my soul, my very future! Then I landed here._

_So, yes, little one. I have failed before and I'll likely fail somewhere again before this is through. But failure isn't all bad you see; failure teaches us. It forces us to adapt. To grow. Failure makes us strong. Failure makes that inevitable victory all the sweeter when we finally seize it for ourselves. I will fail, so you don't have to. I will fail, so you can keep smiling. I will fail, so you can learn from it. Its the least I can do for you. __Let me do this. I'm no one. Just a ghost. Hell, sometimes I can barely even remember my own name..._

_~Archer._

**A Most Unlikely Archer**

_Anyone can be an Archer._

_By definition, it ought be someone with a bow. Long, short, crossbow or otherwise. In reality? The Holy Grail deems anyone with an effective ranged equivalent to be an Archer. By that term, anything could be projectile; as could anyone. Be it blades or bullets or swords or knives or even throwing copies of yourself like a missile, come the end of the day that word can be used quite loosely. If you're well known to have ranged attacks an' use them often and well, there's a good chance you'll be summoned as such._

_In theory, at least._

_I don't much consider myself such; if I had to pick a class, I'd much rather prefer to be a Caster rather than an Archer. __But I suppose I don't get a choice now, do I? After all, we didn't have much left when we were offered the deal. W__e did this to ourselves. Thus, we have no one else to blame. It was this or nothing._

_Because we failed._

_What **did** we do, you ask?_

_Ha! That's the question, isn't it?_

_Gah, I'm no good with wordy explanations. Sasuke's better at this wordy shit than I am. Balls. __Right, where was I? __I suppose the long and short of it would be..._

_...we lost. __There. I said it._

_Kaguya nearly killed us in our first encounter;__ we had no choice but to run. _

_It took us three years to gather our strength and try again. __Its funny, it a bitter way. I never knew what it was like to truly hate someone until that damn goddess reared her ugly head. I began to understand how the 'ol broody bastard felt when he lost his clan. We lost...well. A lot of good people after that first fight. And still we trained, learning tricks new and old alike._

_For me it was ranged attacks, mastery of seals and the elements. _

_For Sasuke...well. You'd be surprised what he can do with a sword now._

_Losing Sakura and Kakashi...motivated us, you could say. Yeah, it did. In the worst of ways._

_Ours became something of a running battle; we weren't able to finish Kaguya off, but neither could she catch us. Desperation is the mother of madness they say, and we were quite mad to do what we did. Not running away mind you, that only bought us a few years at most. We couldn't hide forever. Sooner or later she'd have a new army-our friends!-and we couldn't kill her even with all our skills. We needed strength. Power. Might incomparable, skill unsurpassed even by the divine. We couldn't get it from a goddess._

_So we made a deal with the devil._

_Tell me, have you ever heard of the Counter Force? No?_

_You wouldn't think something like that existed in our world, but it did, or at least an equivalent of it._

_ So, we swore ourselves to that unholy "thing" for a second chance to destroy her. We sold our souls for power. What choice did we have? We couldn't hope to seal her after our first failure; and what a failure it was. Our pride got the better of us and she beat us into the ground for it. She had already grown too powerful for us to beat her by then. We had to resort to some...unpleasant means to wipe her out. Overwhelming strength. Utter annihilation. Some might say we sold our souls for it an' perhaps we did, but I say it was worth it. After all our goals were simple back then. We just wanted her to die and stay dead. If she didn't our world would keep burning. So we had to kill her._

_And we did._

_But once more, our hubris came back to bite us; because we were fool enough to__ have thrown a parting insult or two at a said goddess when we eradicated her for good. What?! Can you blame us?! We fought her in one life and then the next! After the hell she put us all through, I think we were owed that much. In hindsight I didn't think it would make that much of a difference. How was I supposed to know it would piss her off?! There isn't exactly a "how to kill a goddess" manual lying around in the world these days! Needless to say, an angry deity-even a dying one-__can be quite spiteful. Really, REALLY spiteful, actually. _

_Spiteful enough to damn us._

_How was I supposed to know that would happen?!_

_In her final moments she cursed us, and flung us...somewhere else. _

_As to the unfortunate circumstances of my landing and where **I** ended up..._

_...not my fault, not my fault, not my fault, do you hear me?! Nope! None! Not at all!_

* * *

_(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

She wanted to throttle something.

Illyasviel von Einzbern _absolutely_ wanted to strangle someone.

Even now she could feel her fingers twitching beneath the water, itching to latch onto something.

A long, grueling day had left tensions high and her stress levels higher still, and she had next to nothing to vent it on. Her back felt as though someone had stomped upon it repeatedly-which they probably had!-and Ruby certainly wasn't helping with any of that. Even now the warmth of this bath was doing far more for her in moments than the last week alone; with each passing moment she felt the tension slip from her shoulders like fine rain, the weight of her anxiety slowly kneading away until a small content sigh escaped her lips.

"Ah...

In a quiet fit of melancholy, the red-eyed girl sank deeper into the tub and began blowing bubbles.

They still hadn't found the mysterious new class card, which in turn had caused yet more distraction. Again!

_'Stupid card,'_ she muttered inwardly to herself as the water warmed her face. _'Where is it? How can something so small cause such a fuss?'_

Luvia and Rin meant well enough, Illya was sure of that, but at times it felt as if they were running everyone dragged; straight into the ground one might say. They were far too eager to make an end of things and even now, after all they'd been through, it sometimes felt as if she were simply being swept up in the current.

To be fair, Illya was a gentle soul. She didn't get riled easily-unless one caught her off guard-nor did she enjoy hurting others. One might even call her fragile by comparison. She would fight when forced, to protect herself and her friends, but she was _tired _of fighting today. She just wanted to enjoy a good hot soak in the tub, towel off, wrap herself in her pajamas and enjoy a nice sleepover. They'd all been up late enough already, but a tiny selfish part of herself wanted to enjoy her bath before Chloe and Miyu tried to hog all the hot water to themselves.

Still, the bath was slowly yet surely washing the stress away from the young girl's shoulders; if she wasn't careful she might well fall asleep. Had she been left to her own devices, she might well have emerged unscathed from the worst of it and forgotten all about her stress.

It was not to be.

She was just thinking about climbing out of the tub when the roof ruptured and something fell through.

Into the water.

_**SPLASH.**_

"Hweh?"

Illya jerked upright and clutched both hands to her chest as something crashed into the water, throwing a wave of liquid in her face. Time slowed to a crawl; her first thought was one of quiet confusion-of how this seemed almost eerily familiar-as she gaped at the human-sized hole in the ceiling. At intruder in the water. Back to the hole. Back to the intruder again.

With her.

In the tub.

_WhatwhatWHAT?!_

Someone rose from the water like a drunkard, staggering and grasping and flailing at the edge of the tub for some semblance of balance. He failed spectacularly. Instead of pulling himself upright and out as he'd no doubt intended, he lost his grip and crashed headlong into the water again with a strangled yelp. Under any other circumstance she might've found it funny. Not so presently. A slow heat rose in her cheeks as she beheld the boy-nearly her own age by the look of him-thrashing and sputtering before her. Thankfully his grasping hands finally found purchase on porcelain, not flesh.

"Oh, my head...did anybody get the number of that bitch?"

His worlds were a growl, but they couldn't tug Illya back to reality. Not yet.

Clad in little more than battered rags-which looked far too large for him now that she thought about it-her potential assailant stood several inches taller than her by far, although his clothes were all but falling off and his eyes screwed firmly shot against some unseen sort of pain. Indeed, he scarcely seemed to notice her at all, much less where he'd landed. Even then he radiated an eerie aura of otherworldly wrath in spite of his tattered attire. It likely had something to do with his wounds, all those vicious-looking scrapes and bruises littering his body.

His eyes finally opened then and for a moment Illya could only think how very _odd_ they were.

One-the right-was blue as a summer sky, but the left stood red as blood, the slitted gaze of some wild panicked beast. They didn't even look wholly sane. No, they seemed...sad somehow. As if they'd tasted failure one too many times and been broken by it.

Then the boy frowned and everything came unraveled.

"Wait a minute," he croaked, flinging his gaze about the room, "Where am I? This isn't...

When he glanced down and those mismatching orbs widened explosively. "What the _hell?! _Why am I a kid again?!"

Not a heartbeat later his gaze swung upward again; then, and only then did he notice her. Illya stiffened. So did he. The fog of the bath concealed his...choice bits, but it did nothing for the rest of him. Neither moved, and for a moment-just a moment-the world held its breath. Of course, their shared stalemate didn't last long. It couldn't. Perhaps realizing his peril, the boy took a small step backwards. It was enough to tip the scales. Illy felt her eyes begin to roll wildly in her head. Sanity slipped away from her and she did the only thing she could think to do. Her lower lip trembled traitorously.

"Oh, shit." the boy muttered eloquently, eyes widening as he flailed his arms. "Wait! Don't cry! Wait just a second-

"Kyaaaah!"

_All hell broke loose._

"Hoy, Illya?! What's going on?!"

No doubt responding to the sudden sound the door crashed open. She had half a heartbeat to glimpse an irate Chloe and a flabbergasted Miyu and Ruby behind it before the room descended into crazed chaos. For the sound of their voices seemed to reactivate the nearly-nude intruder; he jerked upright and made a dive for the open window. As far as plans went it was a good one; despite the unfortunate circumstances of his abrupt landing and the confusion caused by both parties he likely knew they weren't going to listen. So he made a break for it.

Pity it was doomed to fail.

Not a heartbeat later, a bar of soap cannoned into his face like a magical missile. "Ack! Pervert! Out out out!"

"Wait!" the boy flailed wildly, ducking beneath the next volley with eerie grace. "I can explain! I didn't mean to land here-

"I don't care who you are!" Illya wrapped a hand around Ruby and promptly bashed him the head. "You saw! Idiot! Stupid! I hate, hate, hate you! OUUUT~!"

_Their first meeting was eventful, if nothing else._

**A/N: Poor Naruto.**

**He's about as bitter as (EMIYA) Archer.**

**Ironic, given that's his class this time around.**

**Lets see if Illya and company can lift his spirits, eh?**

**As another note, there's actually a Sasuke in this story, and not an evil one at that! GASP! 0_0**

**Confused?**

**In short, Kaguya's "curse" is a simple one, if spiteful. Naruto can be summoned in the Archer class of course, but his form will only ever be that of his child self. Much to his chagrin, he's aware of this curse and isn't happy about it, not one bit. He's packing all his skills, just in a far smaller package than he's used to.**

**Clearly this is meant to be a lighthearted take on things, but not without its own heavy moments. ****Kuro's gonna be outright hounding him once she realizes what he is.**

**But where on where is Sasuke, I wonder?**

**So In the Immortal Words of Altas...**

**...Revieeew, Would Ya Kindly?**

**And enjoy these previews!**

**Potential ones, anyway!**

**Which do you like?**

**(Previews!)**

_"Do you know why I fell into the Archer class? Allow me to show you."_

_His hand drew back and the air didn't just keen, it positively shrieked. Screaming as his hands seized it by the throat. No, not just the air, it was as if he were bending reality itself to his will. The seals on his arms pulsed with every heartbeat, forcing the energy away from the sphere cradled in his hands, warping and twisting it further and further into the graceless shape of...no. was that a bow? Impossible. Absurd. You couldn't make a bow out of nothing. It just wasn't done. And Naruto still hadn't opened his eyes._

_Angelica__ watched him warily, her own eyes growing large in mute horror._

_"Horrible, isn't it?" Naruto mused. "It took me three years to learn this trick. Now, what did you call me earlier?" A cold, bitter smile adorned the boy's face as he tilted his head. "Aha! I remember now. I believe the words you used were "a boy who didn't know his limits." Yes. That was it. __My _name_ is Naruto." the words were low, feral hiss in spite of the beatific grin adorning his young face. "I am no boy. My class is Archer. I am a bastion of order. Sworn Servant of Illyasviel von Einzbern. And, as you're about to discover, full of surprises. Take those words to your master, you self-absorbed prat."_

_Red eyes flew wide open.__**"Now would you kindly get the hell off my lawn?"**_

_With that, Angelica's world erupted into a maelstrom of pure death._

* * *

_"My, my, my! If it isn't the King of Heroes himself! I'm honored! But I thought you'd be taller."_

_Gil's smirk twitched. Cheeky little punk. Mock him, would he? Of course, it would be remiss of him to underestimate this one. Trapped in their younger forms they may well be, but looks could be deceiving. He knew that from firsthand experience. This one was not to underestimated. Very well. He'd humor him. __"C'mon clown, lets see what you got."_

_Naruto hummed. "Clown, is it? How nostalgic. You remind me of a__n old friend."_

* * *

_Ruby perked up at that and began chuckling fiendishly. __"Ohohoho, then what about a kiss-_

_The kaleidostick writhed wildly as Illya seized the squawking stick by the pommel._

_"Gwah! No! Mercy, Illya-chan! Mercy!"_

_Naruto had no such inclination._

_...RUN AWAY NO JUTSU~!"  
_

_"GET BACK HERE!"_

* * *

_Kuro began to laugh._

_"Seriously?! You're afraid of ghosts?!"_

_"Its not funny, damnit! Ghosts are tricksy little shits!"_

_A blond brow rose when she drew a blade. "How about a spar? Always works for me when I'm stressed."_

_An alarm bell went off in the back of his head, but he stubbornly stamped it out of existence. "I...don't think that's a good idea."_

_"Aw, c'mon~! Just five minutes!"_

**R&R~!**

**=D**


	2. A Most Unlikely Brawl (Interlude)

**A/N: *EDIT***

**Aaaaaaaaaaand so cometh the trolls.**

**This isn't a parody, its just sillier than others.**

**But I got dogpiled for it. Lambasted on a critical level.**

**Parodies you say? Die, you say? Do you want me to cry that badly?**

**Fine. Fuck it. I'm done. Next stories going to be a parody written out of bloody spite.**

**I just wanted to make people happy. To maybe read the occasional inspiring review...but no. I see how it is now.**

**The world is cruel. People are cruel. The afterlife probably won't be much different. Bloody hell why am I even doing this if I just get torn apart...?**

**Remember, this is False!Archer.**

**You'll get the actual adult version sooner or later.**

** I'm afraid this story isn't going to be as popular as the rest of the "A Most Unlikely" series...**

**...and that makes me said.**

**Really, really sad T_T**

**But I made a promise. And I'll keep it.**

**Also, getting a lot of flak and angry words. Someone *that was the tag they left* keeps saying that each Naruto has no personality and such and that I**** recycle concepts from my stories****. As they're anonymous and I can't respond to them, I feel this is the only way I can address them:**

_"I'm sorry._

_You're right. I need to do better-no! I HAVE to do better. __But what good does tearing me down do? That just perpetuates the cycle of violence. __If you don't like my stories, then I understand. You don't have to read them but you have made your voice heard loud and clear. __Can't we just agree to leave one another alone and let bygones be bygones? __I thank you for your time and words of criticism._

_You have been heard, my friend."_

_Warm regards,_

_~Nz._

**Now then, onto the story.**

**We'll get back to the regular Q&A sooner or later, I'm just not feeling terribly up to it at the moment, sorry everyone.**

**This story is meant to be more light-hearted, even though this (False)Archer!Naruto can be a bit of a bastard.**

**As ever, I own no references, quotes, or anything related to relevant media. Nope! Nothing!**

**I do hope this chapter makes you laugh, because that was the intent.**

**You'll get true Archer sooner or later. He's a monster.**

**Minor time skip of about...a few hours or so.**

**Oh! One real quick thing before I forget...**

**YES! THIS IS A JOJO REFERENCE!**

_"Nothing personal, kid."_

_~Archer._

**A Most Unlikely Brawl (Interlude)**

_He was lost._

For perhaps the first time in the endless series of disasters that served as his life, Naruto genuinely didn't know what to do, where to go, or even how to proceed from here. He'd always had a goal in life; always a purpose there to spur him on. Yet now he didn't. On one hand-one great, glorious hand!-he had done what he'd set out to do. He'd won. Together with Sasuke he'd achieved his life's goal by ridding his world of Kaguya and Zetsu forevermore. No revival, no respawning, and CERTAINLY no reincarnation for those two twats. He took a certain vindictive satisfaction in that. Where they were now, they were better off dead.

On the other, they'd had the last laugh.

He'd been flung out of his world and reduced to this state; bound by a curse he didn't even know how to break. At least he had a place to stay. Illya's mother had taken one look at him and declared such. That was...nice, he supposed? Nice lady, that one. He still wasn't quite sure what to make of her. Even

But that still left him with this curse.

Bad enough that he seemed to be stuck like this for the foreseeable future-which in turn meant he was going to have to HEAVILY reevaluate his opinion until he found a way to throw it off or just outgrew it-but there was also the matter of mana. Like it or not, he wasn't wholly human anymore. The Counter Force had seen to that. A small shudder shook his shoulders at the thought. Nope. Though the grail in his world had clearly left a way for him to replenish his stores of energy, he absolutely refused to do it.

He'd already seen Chloe tag Illya with a kiss and he had NO desire to do that.

Really, the only saving grace in all this was that he could still use the Transformation jutsu to make himself "appear" his true age should push came to shove. But the curse had even seeped into that as well; the mere act of maintaining it drained his chakra by an absurd amount. Leave it to Kaguya to be spiteful. She couldn't have a major victory, so in her pettiness she settled for a spiteful one instead. For better or worse, he'd have to put up with this, and these girls, for now.

It certainly didn't help that one of said girls was determined to tease him.

Runt, Chloe called him. Short. Tiny.

Needless to say, none of this sat well with Naruto. Not at all. Dislike for his new form aside, he did not relish the idea of reliving his childhood a second time. Nevermind the fact that he was still nursing a welt from where Illya had clobbered him with her kaleidostick, nevermind his viciously short temper, nevermind all of these new faces asking him questions. Naruto. Did not. Like being called. Short. Not in the least. Not at all. Here, now, in this very moment, he didn't care about magical girls or talking sticks or mages, or any of it.

He needed to punch something. Barring that, someone.

So when Chloe suggested a spar?

He _leaped_ at the chance.

Of course he did.

"You sure about this, buddy?" her voice drew him back to reality with a frown. "I don't think you know what you're getting into."

...trust me, I know what I'm doing."

Naruto didn't rise to her bait; he simply settled into a stance as the wind began to pick up. He knew this was no helpless little girl standing before him; whomever she might be, whatever powers she wielded, Chloe wasn't someone to be underestimated. In his line of work, you couldn't underestimate anyone. He'd already learned that nasty little lesson the hard way. She was anything but powerless.

Of course, she didn't let it lie there, and began bouncing in place.

"So whaddya say, whiskers?" An impish smiled bloomed on her cheeks. "Half-speed?"

He mirrored her grin and planted his feet in the grass. "No. Full. Unless you don't think you can keep up?"

"You sure?" her brown grew stormy at this less-than-subtle slight. "Wouldn't wanna hurt that pretty face of yours."

The False Archer exhaled in a long suffering breath and willed his anger to flow away like so many words in the breeze. Then he tucked his thumb into a palm, raised his right arm, and beckoned to her with the remaining fingers; crooking them at her in a decidedly come-hither motion. Rock Lee would've been proud. Fine. She wanted to be that way, did she?

Then he'd torment her a little with his silence.

Idly, he allowed his eyes to roam about their chosen arena; it was a perfectly nice field, all things considered. Green, grassy, wide and spacious both; but most importantly, it was out of the way. Perfect for a fight. They could fight as they pleased here, and _ohhhhhhh_ did he intend to fight. He had years worth of frustrations just itching to be unleashed. So long as they were careful not to hit any of their spectators, he would trust in his skills to win the day. Whatever tricks this little imp had under her sleeve, he was certain he could best them. Her.

Small he may be, but he had a lifetime's worth of experience and reserves that would make a kage-level shinobi weep with envy.

Kuro was in for the fight of her life; she just didn't realize it yet.

"Come at me."

Chloe's face darkened, amber eyes gleaming. "Don't blame me if you get hurt!"

With that said, her hands flew out at her sides and a startling pair of short-swords manifested to greet her open palms. Tan hands wrapped around each and drew them up in a sharp flourish, trailing twin arcs of light after them, each like a falling star. One was white as snow, the other darker than the bleakest knight. Despite himself, Naruto stiffened just a touch. She shouldn't be able to do that. No. It wasn't possible unless she was...well, that complicated things, didn't it? Realization broke like the dawn and he found himself taking this wee slip of a girl a touch seriously.

"Wait, are you a-

"Ready or not, here I come!"

Then she blitzed him in a storm of swords.

Now, Naruto was no stranger to the art of the blade; he'd seen them in battle before, even fought a swordsman a time or two. And while he _was _surprised to see his fellow Archer-or so he suspected-simply pull them right out of a _freaking hammerspace, _that confusion didn't slow him in the least. By the time Chloe reached him he'd already determined more than a dozen ways to disarm and defeat her. Nine of them were lethal. Six were all but humiliating. Three were excessive. Two were flashy. One was just the answer he needed. He'd encountered worse in his lifetime. Far worse.

Credit where it was due, Chloe was quite quick; very fast indeed.

She just wasn't fast _enough._

When she reached him her first move was a shallow thrust as his chest with the flat of her blades.

He read the feint immediately and didn't even deign to move when her right arm snapped down to cut at his legs.

Instead, he simply swept hers.

Kuro tumbled away with an exasperated hiss and came at him again; to which he tapped her on the wrists, subtly diverting her counterstrike to send her stumbling forward. Then he flowed in and smashed an open palm into her bare midriff. Silly girl, why wasn't she wearing armor there? That was just _begging _to be attacked. Poor Chloe went tumbling across the grass like a bag of rice, but sprang back up thrice as fast.

"Why you little...?!"

"POINT!" Ruby squawked suddenly on the sidelines, drawing a baffled glower from all parties.

"What?!" the magical stick balked as everyone frowned at her. "Don't judge me! Let me have my fun!"

Miyu didn't once look away from the brawl. "Sapphire?"

"On it."

"Wait, what are you-HEY?!"

Chloe took advantage of this brief distraction to strike again; she went high and Naruto simply ducked low. His legs tensed viciously as she tried to cut down at him. Too little, too late. In the next instant he sprang up and headbutted his fellow Archer from below, ramming his head headlong-ha!-into her chin with all the force of a bulldozer. The strangled noise Chloe made was nothing short of apoplectic.

"GACK?! Tam owt! TAM OWT!" one hand waved frantically, the other clutching her mouth to elicit a brief lull in combat. "You bathtard! Ah bith ma towng!"

Naruto couldn't help but smile.

"I'm sorry," he chirruped, "That sounds like _not my problem."_

"Vicious little thing, isn't he?" Rin sighed.

"Yes, quite uncouth." Luvia agreed.

Kuro charged him with a shriek.

"Revenge! ORA!"

Naruto grinned.

_"Useless!"_

Rather than evade her anger, the whiskered warrior stubbornly stood his ground this time around and weathered the full force of her fury. His hands slapped her strikes aside as they both fought fast, faster, fastest. Red battered against black, their hands twisting and striking at inconceivable angles as quickly as they came. Blood spattered the field as the occasional glancing blow landed, to no avail. Beads of sweat snapped into the air and were struck down just as could be decided in this blistering contest, yet blows continued to rain down unimpeded.

"Erm," Illya swallowed thickly. "Shouldn't we...stop them, or something?"

"ORAORAORAORAORA!/MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!"

Rin and Luvia rapidly took one look at the barrage and shook their heads.

Nope. Nuh-uh. No way were they getting in _the middle of that._

Bodies blurred and their minds seethed; lost wholeheartedly in the thrill of the fight and the release it promised. Convoluted combos that went well beyond the pale; not just arms but legs and elbows alike, flowing kicks transitioning into precise swings and the like. At last, Naruto blocked Kuro and she went aerial on him-leaping into the air to snap a kick into his side.

"Ha!" she crowed. "Gotcha!"

"Do you really?"

_"Meep?!"_

He trapped it there against his ribs and used this sudden momentum to lever her into the ground, only for Kuro to scissor her legs and drag him down with her. His forehead rammed into his and she retaliated by biting on his right ear hard enough to make him yelp. Eventually he gained the upper hand again and wriggled free, but by then the dynamic had irrevocably changed. He realized it, then. He wasn't angry any more; his frustrations had all but boiled away when he wasn't looking. No, it was more than that.

They were_ laughing;_ the both of them.

High, full-throated laughter that had both of them shaking and doubling over like wild hyenas, each unable to stop. When was the last time he'd felt like this? Years ago. Before Kaguya. Before the war. Before his luck gave out and the world all but turned its back on him. Too long. Gods, how long had he been waiting for something-someone!-like this! Chloe gave as good as she got, consequences be damned. His muscles were buzzing with a pleasantly familiar ache, demanding more. And she was getting back up, in spite of all her injuries.

Illya quivered as she watched. "Scary! They're way too scary for me!"

Naruto kicked Chloe away, but she did a quick kip-up and snapped back to her feet.

"That settles it! You fight like a demon! I think I'm in love!"

Naruto wheezed out another laugh. "Feeling's mutual!"

"Say, how about we make a friendly little wager, then?" she snickered.

"What, you just decided that now?!"

Rosy cheeks dimpled, her eye creasing in a rare, genuine grin.

"Loser has wait on the winner. Hand and foot. For an entire day. Whaddya say?"

His smiled broadened. "Make it a week and I'll take that bet. Haven't decided what I'll make you do, yet."

Her smile faltered. _"Eh?"_

"Well, what are you waiting for?" to Illya's great dismay, Naruto actually beckoned her sibling. "Come get some, runt."

Chloe blurred to him with a grin and he met her happily; this time, she even managed slip a few slices through his guard around the arms and legs. It wasn't enough. He knew and she knew it, even as she redoubled her efforts to penetrate his defenses. He didn't move his fate, each time interposing a bandaged hand or armored knee between him and the slicing blades. Was it just his imagination, or were her attacks-her form-getting steadily sharper as they fought on?

Then she threw her swords at him.

It was so wholly unexpected that Naruto barely had time to blink, let alone dodge. Swordsman-and women!-didn't throw their swords! It simply wasn't done! In a brief fit of surprise he unthinkingly pulled harder upon his reserves and vanished in a blur of leaves, leaving the Chloe's blades to harmlessly bisect an errant afterimage. To Chloe's credit she immediately realized what he'd done and drew her bow. Too late. The barest whisper of a breeze brushed against her cheek and her instincts screamed at her to backpedal, to move, to DODGE-

WHAM!

Instead her world went white as as lightly armored boot crashed into her chin from below and sent her soaring into the sky. Her bow tumbled from her grasp and shattered, momentarily forgotten as a hand settled against her exposed back. She flung a glance over her shoulder, just as gravity sank its claws into her, just as she saw his face. Bandages burst from his sleeves and snapped around her body in a crude mummification, binding Chloe's arms and legs together yet in the same vein, leaving her head exposed.

"Try not to die, alright?" Naruto's childish smirk was wholly at odds with his warning. "This REALLY isn't a very nice move."

For all her pride, the little Archer had all of half an instant to realize what he intended to do unto her. Then he grabbed her bandaged body and spun her down into the earth; a vicious spinning drill that rendered the world little more than a mottled green blur. Her stomach betrayed her and she felt rather than saw herself turn green. And throughout it all, the ground rushed up to greet her like a long lost friend.

Somehow, incredibly, Chloe recognized this move, though she'd never seen it before.

Perhaps it had something to do with Naruto's mad laughter.

"No. Nooooononono don't you fucking DARE-

Too little, too late. "Primary. Lotus."

Remarkably, she survive.

Anyone else would've had their neck broken and perished on the spot; as Chloe was anything _but _human, she merely wound up planted like a turnip. Tan legs thrashing uselessly in the air as she struggled to extricate her upper half from her now-underground prison. Thankfully she was wearing pants. Else this might've been...embarrassing. No, wait! It was _still_ embarrassing! Terribly, horribly humiliating! The fact that she could hear someone laughing made it all the worse!

Ruby absolutely cackled. "Striiiiiiiike!"

"I WILL END YOUR ENTIRE CAREER, YOU STUPID STICK!"

In the ensuing dust cloud, the demi-servant finally managed to tear herself free from the earthen mound. She valiantly thrashed upright in spite of her spinning head...and promptly lost her lunch. Yes, her much-abused stomach rebelled almost instantaneously and she lost her lunch. She was still doubling over when Illya shouted a warning.

"Behind you!"

A spike of killing intent loomed behind her back.

Once more Naruto reappeared-though she noted with some spiteful satisfaction that he was very much worse for the wear-in her blind spot, tucked low to the ground. This time Chloe wasn't quite fast enough to fend him off, much less realize her peril. Her heart skipped a beat, and for perhaps the first time in her life, Chloe von Einzbern found herself unable to move. She could have _sworn_ that his eyes were gleaming red, and she couldn't even see them! The fact that his hand was now resting upon her shoulder somehow magnified her dread all the more.

"Sorry," he hummed. "Nothing personal, kid. You really shouldn't let your enemies get behind you this often, ya know?"

A bead of sweat ran down Chloe's suddenly pale brow. "Wait, what are you-YEEK!"

And so he struck, swiftly, decisively, and wholly without mercy.

"Secret Art: A Thousand Years of Death! Boot Edition!"

Everyone present-sans Chloe-facepalmed as one.

"BOOT!"

Thankfully for out little Archer-and any younger audiences at home-this devastating attack wasn't the true variant feared by men and women across the globe. It was, quite simply put, just a kick. A very hard one at that, and one delivered right to the unsuspecting girl's posterior with all the force of a hurricane. Chloe's yelp of surprise was sweet, sweet music to Naruto's ears as she found herself airborne again-this time not entirely of her own volition. In spite of the collective cringe, the whiskered warrior couldn't help but whistle as she took flight, clutching her sore rear all the while.

Such a shame the tree killed her velocity like that.

A pity, truly.

Although, the Chloe-shaped imprint left behind on the bark was truly something to be admired. He'd certainly remember this moment as long as he lived. Ah, what he wouldn't give to have a camera right now. After all, it wasn't everyday you got to watch someone be hand-fed a slice of humble pie. And poor Chloe had just eaten the whole damn thing.

To her credit, Chloe actually recovered, if only just.

She lay sprawled out on the grass beneath him, chest heaving. When she tried to rise, Naruto planted a boot in her stomach. Not enough to hurt the poor girl, but just enough to keep her from attacking him all the same.

"Give up. Or this gets worse."

She growled. "How could this possibly get-

Naruto began unwinding the bandages around his wrists.

"Alright, alright! I give!" she croaked out, throwing her hands up.

And then she smirked. "Now...then I guess...you deserve your...REWARD!"

Then she dove at him and, much to his consternation, crushed her lips against his.

Ruby perked up at that and began chuckling fiendishly. "Ohohoho, I missed it! How about another kiss-GAH?!"

The kaleidostick writhed wildly as Illya seized the squawking stick by the pommel.

"Gwah!" she cried! "No! Mercy, Illya-chan! Mercy!"

Naruto had no such reservations.

...RUN AWAY NO JUTSU~!"

Chloe took off after him.

_"GET BACK HERE!"_

**A/N: Clearly, wasn't meant to be taken seriously.**

**So please, before any gets angry, kindly suspend your disbelief.**

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we have ourselves a winner, ladies and gentlemen!**

**This was a zany little chapter to write, and I hope it made all of you smile. It wasn't meant to be taken too seriously; as we leap into the meat of things next chapter. This is one of the least popular entries in the "A Most Unlikely" series, but its fun to write all the same. Do tell me what you think of it. I'd love to hear from you!**

**Reviews are love. Reviews are life. Reviews keep me alive!**

**So In the Immortal Words of Altas...**

**...Revieeew, Would Ya Kindly?**

**And enjoy these previews!**

**Potential ones, anyway!**

**Which do you like?**

**(Previews!)**

_"WILL YOU TWO STOP WITH THE JOJO REFERENCES?!"_

_Naruto and Chloe paused._

_Considered it._

_And then:_

_"NO."_

* * *

_"Nope. I may be a crazy bastard, but nope!_

* * *

_"You remind me of someone, Tohsaka."_

_...thank you?" she managed._

_"Wasn't a compliment."_

**R&R~!**

**=D**


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